The Food Chain of Emotions
I do not know if the title makes sense––in fact––I know nothing at all. It all started with one emotion just like a dot of freckle that appears on your face when you spend too much time under the sun. Perhaps, that is not the right way to describe it. It’s more like when a zombie bit you and it spreads all over your body and in the end, the body that serves you your whole life turned dysfunctional––controlled by sadness, anger, rage and most of the time hunger. It’s eating your brain. It’s eating you just like loranthus that grows on the branches of woody trees. Despite of all the bad examples that I put here, emotions aren’t inherently bad. I’d like to think of emotions as a food chain. A food chain is like a ladder. In the ecosystem, the food chain helps other living things to survive. The whole system relies on how productive the food chain works. However, in my writing the food chain here is a sequence of many emotions that one may go through when they process life experiences. Once the food chain does not work like it’s supposed to, it’ll ruin the stability of the process. Just like emotions, when you let it consume you in a great amount, it ruins your whole stability and wellbeing.
I like to let my emotions consume me. It all started with disappointment, it eats me and turned into sadness, sadness into regret, and the regret needs to eat me and it turned into anger, and you know the rest. Good thing I am quite self-aware that I am not the best at handling my emotions. Emotions are tricky. You showed it too much and you get called ‘childish’ or ‘bitter’. You do not show it? It makes you want to kill yourself. You get too vulnerable, sensitive and melancholic? People would say that you are weird. The society taught us to feel anything that deranges you as a sin when in reality your emotions is a part of you that wants to be treated right. It is trying to protect you.
I haven’t felt this in a long time. Although I can’t remember exactly when was the last time I felt like this, it is exactly like how I felt when people would bully me for the ugly duckling that I was in elementary school. The thing is I do not love those people at that time, I do not care about them, yet it still hurts. Imagine if it came from the people you love or you once loved? and you feel the need to wrap your emotions with a cellophane in order to not hurt those people? Feels like you need menthol cigarettes and a gunshot to the head. My fight or flight response hasn’t been triggered in a while and once it is triggered, I consume the emotions just like a painting of Saturn Devouring His Son. What lies behind that demands to be understood––unfortunately the world we live in sees emotions as weakness as if it is a flesh-eating disease, as if it is leprosy.
Once this happened, the food chain is ruined. It does not have the stability to make the ecosystem alive and running. In human, it weakens the soul. It will suffer over the time. It may sound really negative but isn’t suffering the only thing that we shared together as humans? One of the levels in the food chain is the decomposers and it saddens me to know that I will not know soon enough what are the decomposers of our emotions might be which makes this writing redundant––or maybe I’ll find my answer in a bottle of Lorazepam one day.